im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
