So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
