I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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