My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
