My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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