would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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