i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
