I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
