I accidentally had phone sex last night
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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