hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
you would pick up someone in the library
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
