I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
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mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
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we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
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