So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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