I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
