two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
