Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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