You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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