Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
