I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
