This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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