woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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