I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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