I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
