you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
