Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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