very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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