I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
