Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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