ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
