we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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