Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
