ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
