Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
