Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
