I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you