My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
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she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
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I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME