You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
