Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
