Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
