Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
