wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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