Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
