I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
