Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
17 People Reveal The Reasons Behind Their Foot Fetish
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!