I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Dating After Heartbreak
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"