remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.