her vagina looked like bernie madoff
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
