i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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