alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
