You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
