All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
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he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
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They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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