so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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