Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i came on her dog
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Randomize
