I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
