Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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