God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
