I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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