you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
