whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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