I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Someone came in the potted fern
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
