Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
